I didn't tell anyone. I was told not to tell anyone. It would be handled. So I waited. I believed my Step-father would tell my mother. In my mind my mother knew. In my mind the other mothers knew. In my mind EVERYONE in the family knew! No one talked about "it". No one spoke to me of "it". No one cared. It wasn't long after this that we moved back into "That" house! The house that robbed me of my childhood. I dreaded every moment of it! I DID NOT WANT TO MOVE BACK!!! Not only did I not voice my opinions but I tried to put on a happy face. After all, no one cared about me or my opinions. Thankfully, the boys that robbed me, moved out with their mother.
I had been taught in school to respect myself and my body. To not allow anyone to touch me in places that made me feel uncomfortable. I was almost numb to the whole "uncomfortable" thing. I had things awoken within me at a very young age. Things that should have stayed sleeping till much older. The feelings of guilt that came with those feelings were more then I could bear some days. Many nights I cried into my pillow and contemplated taking my life. No one would care! I knew I would not be missed!!
Sleeping pills became my friend as well as caffeine. I tried to sleep some nights but couldn't because of my thoughts. I would take one pill, then take another. It would be so easy to swallow the whole package and sleep, forever sleep. Make the hurting go away!
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Update 11-6-12
Praise God! He's removed all of this from my life.
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