A Change of Direction

I'm living life, going through the motions, trying to stay low and not draw attention to myself. I don't want anyone to look at me. The disgust in their eyes. The shame I felt. The anger welling up inside me. Get up, go to school, come home, try to sleep.

My life is taking a turn. "D" has decided he needs a change and brakes off our relationship then starts dating someone else. The only person in my life that ever showed me any kind of care is not here anymore! I can't help buy cry during every class. I start falling into a deep depression. Again, dealing with thoughts of suicide. Wanting it all to stop!

After a while "D" asked me to come back to him and I do. I don't know anything different. I put up with the abuse and called it "teasing". The constant touching in places and comments of a sexual nature were all our relationship was.

I don't go to church anymore because I don't fit in. "They" go to church! "They" should be kicked out and forced to repent.. but "They" don't. I don't want to be anywhere "They" are. One day Mother practically forced me to go to church. They announce something about a Youth Choir before church started! I whisper in my mothers ear about wanting to join and she agreed. Singing was the one thing that brought me joy when I was young. The sound of voices was soothing to me! The moment we got home I started to get cold feet and told Mom "I'm not going! I change my mind!" I'm so glad she didn't take no for an answer. She again drug me to the car and drove me to choir.

There were so many wonderful, uplifting people and smiles there. We had choir practice and afterwords we played volleyball and jumped on the Trampoline. One time afterwords, we had a water fight. It was the most fun I had ever had in my entire life. For the first time I was care free and happy!! I looked forward to church every week and choir afterwords. Seeing all the faces of my "Friends" was wonderful.

There were these 2 guys there that I started to hang around with. They talked to me about life, fun times, what I liked and what they liked. They didn't touch me or talk to me inappropriately. They treated me like a woman, with respect! For the first time in my life, my eyes were opening up about how I should be treated.

As time passed I started to notice the way most people from church treated me and others around them. It was refreshing. I realized I needed to let my old life go. I broke off the relationship with "D". Never again got involved with him. Started attending church meetings and all the functions I could go to. It was like I was starving and couldn't get enough. Life was good.. Good for the first time in my life.