Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Trip!


Montana!! The Youth Choir is going to Montana to perform up at a dance in Pinesdale. Will mom let me go? How will I get there? Where will I stay? To say I was excited was an understatement. I'm now 14 years old and have never been out of the state of Utah. Now, we are going to go 2 states away.

One of the 2 guys from choir offered to take me with them to Montana. Mother approved. There would be Brian, John (Brian's Best friend) Brian's sister, Mary and Brian's brother, Jeremy and myself. We headed up to Montana. Brian came by very early in the morning to pick me up. I remember heading out and watching the sun rise over the mountains. It was a beautiful sight! Montana was wonderful!! The dance was great. The choir performance was unforgettable!

The night of the dance I went over to the place Brian was staying with a bunch of the youth. We played dice and card games till It got late. I layed down and closed my eyes for a moment. Brian said "Good night, Andrea" I was facing the back of the couch and started to sob. No one had ever said those words to me before. I can't describe how I felt. I just sobbed.

On the trip home I would put my head on the shoulder of who ever was not driving. I guess I must have treated them like a teddy bear because I fell asleep and wrapped my arms around who ever my head was on. Both of the guys thought it was cute and they joked about who was going to date me first. (I looked old for my age. They thought I was at least 18 years old.)5'8" 125 Lbs.



On that Trip home, I remember the words come into my mind that said "You will marry one of these men." It took me by surprise but then I started to take those words seriously. I looked at John and thought No.. but when I looked at Brian, a warmth entered into my chest! I knew it was him!

A few weeks later, after the Montana trip and many phone calls with Brian, my birthday came up in a conversation. I didn't want to tell him. I waited till we were at another church function then told him. April 1st. I could see the look in his eyes and wheels turning. He saw the look in my eyes and "Ohh no.. I've heard them all!" He never played an April Fools joke on me.... till much later. I then told him my age and he flipped out! He was 22 years old! I was 14!

Not long after that, He received an offer to work in California and went. He ran away from me, but it was too late. We were both in love. I, being a bit forward, tracked him down in California and called him. Bugged his sister to no end and pushed my way back into his life. I had a revelation, at a young age, about who I was to marry, and I was not going to let him go!!

A Change of Direction


I'm living life, going through the motions, trying to stay low and not draw attention to myself. I don't want anyone to look at me. The disgust in their eyes. The shame I felt. The anger welling up inside me. Get up, go to school, come home, try to sleep.

My life is taking a turn. "D" has decided he needs a change and brakes off our relationship then starts dating someone else. The only person in my life that ever showed me any kind of care is not here anymore! I can't help buy cry during every class. I start falling into a deep depression. Again, dealing with thoughts of suicide. Wanting it all to stop!

After a while "D" asked me to come back to him and I do. I don't know anything different. I put up with the abuse and called it "teasing". The constant touching in places and comments of a sexual nature were all our relationship was.

I don't go to church anymore because I don't fit in. "They" go to church! "They" should be kicked out and forced to repent.. but "They" don't. I don't want to be anywhere "They" are. One day Mother practically forced me to go to church. They announce something about a Youth Choir before church started! I whisper in my mothers ear about wanting to join and she agreed. (Singing was the one thing that brought me Joy when I was young. The sound of voices was soothing to me!) The moment we got home I started to get cold feet and told Mom "I'm not going! I change my mind!" I'm so glad she didn't take no for an answer. She again drug me to the car and drove me to choir.

There were so many wonderful, uplifting people and smiles there. We had choir practice and afterwords we played volleyball and jumped on the Trampoline. One time afterwords, we had a water fight. It was the most fun I had ever had in my entire life. For the first time I was care free and happy!! I Looked forward to Church every week and choir afterwords. Seeing all the faces of my "Friends" was wonderful.

There were these 2 guys there that I started to hang around with. They talked to me about life, fun times, what I liked and what they liked. They didn't touch me or talk to me inappropriately. They treated me like a woman, with respect! For the first time in my life, my eyes were opening up about how I should be treated!

As time passed I started to notice the way most people from church treated me and others around them. It was refreshing. I realized, I needed to let my old life go. I broke off the relationship with "D". Never again got involved with him. Started attending church meetings and all the functions I could go to. It was like I was starving and couldn't get enough. Life was good.. Good for the first time in my life.

Monday, May 17, 2010

"Elephant in the Room"


This is My life the next 2 years.

"Elephant in the Room"
There's an elephant in the room
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, "How are you?" and "I'm fine."
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else-except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk.
It is constantly on our minds.
For you see, it is a very big elephant.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say her name again.
Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her pain
Perhaps we can talk about her Joy

Can I say her name and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, you are leaving me
Alone...
In a room...
With an elephant.

Truth Revealed! Or was it?


I'm now in deeper then I realize. I don't care what happens to me or my life. My Boyfriend treats me like an object and is disrespecting me, as a woman. Didn't know it at the time. All I knew was someone is showing me some kind of care. Sleeping at his house, living off of sleeping pills and caffeine. Going through the motions of life and staying low and out of everyone else's way.

One day, I'm looking out the window at "D" house. He's out in the backyard kicking his soccer ball and accidentally kicks it into our yard. There is snow on the ground. I figure I would go out and hand him the ball back. On my way back into the house I'm met by my Step Father. He grabs me by my hair and yanks me into the house then throws me up against the stairs. (My Mother NEVER hit us. The 2 times I remember she did, I deserved it. One swift swat on the backside for hurting one of my siblings. My Step-Father, on the other hand, regularly beat my older Brother and younger brother. We didn't find out till later in our life.) My Step-Father then yells at me and tells me to never talk to "that boy" ever again. I ran into my room and hid under my bed for the next hour, till my mother came home. My Step-Father came into my room many times looking for me but didn't see me. When mom came home she was frantic.. wondering where I was. She came in a few times with him, so I didn't say anything. She then came in without him and started to cry. I then, very softly said, "I'm here Mom". Came out from under the bed and told her what had happened. She became very angry. The next thing I knew she drove off with him in the car and came back without him. We didn't see him again for another week. My relationship with my step-father was never the same. Not that we ever had a relationship.

Not long after that, I became more brazen and stayed over at "D"s house later and later. One day Mom awoke early to me not in my bed. Phone calls were made to all the neighbors, including "D"s house. His Parents were out of town. I remember looking out the back window seeing all the lights on and then his phone ringing. My stomach fell into my feet. At first "D" lied to them because I begged him to. He then made up a story of seeing me walking passed his house then called him back. Step father then drove to the house to pick me up. I was so grateful that mom was with him.

Later, during the day, Mom pulled me aside to talk to me about "things that can happen" and how I need to be careful. I said "It's already to late" I have never seen my mother so angry! She slowly said "Who! Who was it?" I told her! She then asked "When?" When I told her when she stormed out of the house! She drove to "I"s house. Knocked on the door. Asked for "G". As soon as "G" came to the door she asked him to step out as she closed the door then slammed him up against the house and threatened his life. She then asked him and he admitted to everything. He thought she knew because his father said he would "Take care of it".

She forced him into the car and brought him over to our house. Mom then asked me to get into the car where "G" said  "I thought you were asleep and didn't know what was happening." I refused to say much to him. What did he mean, I thought you were asleep??  I thought you were asleep???!! I wanted to hit him till he turned black and blue. Make him hurt as much as he hurt me all those years! But I did nothing but sit there. I don't remember if I said anything.

Mom then took him home and I went to my room and cried for hours! I was so angry at my Mother, My step father, "I", "G", "T".... Everyone who had any part of taking my childhood from me!

I never felt like justice was done. Any time I brought it up and wanted to talk about things, to heal, I was told to "Get over it", "Move on", "Grow up", Let it go!" Then the rumors started. I was someone that "liked to tell stories for attention. Don't listen to her she lies to give others a bad name." "I"s family started spreading those rumors to discredit me and hide what their son and brothers did. I never did tell anyone what happened to me unless I was asked. It was not something I liked to share.

The thoughts of suicide came back into my life. I wanted the pain to go away. Make it stop forever. I again, started to pop sleeping pills and down Mountain Dew to function. I wanted out!

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Update 11-6-12
It's amazing how things got covered up in that family. In an attempt to cover it all up Blaine Bowles and his wife lied to everyone. Only within the last 2 weeks I found out that Gary's then wife was not told the truth. She was lead to believe that I was making up stories. My heart goes out to her having to live with that man and his past. My heart also goes out to him and all the anguish he must have been living with and still continues to this day living with, covering this up. I'm no longer angry. I do pitty all of them that continue to live a lie, fearing every day any questions that may arise from their own and brothers past. My heart also goes out to his current wife and children. Please protect your daughters and anyone else that may come in contact with this man.

God has taken all the hate, vengeance and fear this family caused. I no longer fear seeing them in the store or the street. They have more to fear from me then I do them but don't want anyone to fear me. May God have mercy on them. 

Decisions Made.


12 Years old. Thoughts of ending my life. The fighting at home. The ugly spirit in that house. The gossip, backbiting, lying. One can't take much more. There were nights I would lay awake in bed and listen to something walking across the floor upstairs. You could hear and track the footsteps. The "L" Family lived upstairs, but on many occasions, they were out of town....and I could still hear "Something" walking around upstairs. On one occasion I went upstairs to see who was up there (Because we weren't allowed upstairs when they were gone)I heard someone in the kitchen at the sink. I flipped on the light and no one was there. It still sends chills up and down my body to this day.

We lived in a bad part of town. One I would not feel comfortable walking at night now... But back then, I felt more safe walking the streets at night then I did in my own bed! I would frequently crawl out my bedroom window and stay out till 4 or 5 in the morning before coming home. My mother had no Idea.

I met a young boy who lived behind our house. We will call him "D". We would go over to a neighbors house and play in their backyard. He talked with me, wanted to know me. My likes and dislikes. Eventually, we started to grow closer. He wanted to know if I wanted to go steady with him. It was wonderful to feel someone care about me, in any way! We were together for about 2 months before I shared with him my deepest secret. I don't know what happened to him after that, but he started asking me questions about my experiences. Eventually, I gave in to some of his requests.

Instead of walking the streets at night, I would go over to his home and stay with him in his room. I would crawl through his basement window. I felt so safe. 4:00 would roll around and I would crawl out, jump the fence and back into my bedroom window. This went on for months. I had been taught about the Holy Ghost and Angels watching over us and I knew, what I was doing, my angels would not follow me. I didn't care. I knew my Angels didn't care either. If a parent didn't care about what their child was suffering through, why would my angels care? I had finally started to feel safe for the first time in my life. I was 13 years old about to turn 14. Then, things started to change.

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Update 11-6-12
The Evil we all fought through under that roof. It was pure evil. My Angels did keep me safe through all of this. Something worse could have happened. Praise my God for the protection he granted me through all of this. I was undeserving. 

I must not be worth it.



I didn't tell anyone. I was told not to tell anyone. It would be handled. So I waited. I believed my Step-father to tell my mother. In my mind, my mother knew. In my mind the other Mothers Knew. In my Mind EVERYONE in the family knew! No one talked about "it". No one spoke to me of "it". No one cared. It wasn't long after this that we moved back into "That" house! The house that robbed me of my childhood. I dreaded every moment of it! I DID NOT WANT TO MOVE BACK!!! Not only did I not voice my opinions but I tried to put on a happy face. After all, no one cared about me or my opinions. Thankfully, the boys that robbed me, moved out with their mother.

I had been taught in school to respect myself and my body. To not allow anyone to touch me in places that made me feel uncomfortable. I was almost numb to the whole "uncomfortable" thing. I had things awoken within me at a very young age. Things that should have stayed sleeping till much older. The feelings of guilt that came with those feelings were more then I could bear some days. Many nights I cried into my pillow and contemplated taking my life. No one would care! I knew I would not be missed!!

Sleeping pills became my friend as well as Caffeine. I tried to sleep some nights but couldn't because of my thoughts. I would take one pill, then take another. It would be so easy to swollow the whole package and sleep, forever sleep. Make the hurting go away!

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Update 11-6-12
Praise God! He's removed all of this from my life. 

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

"IT" Happened


My Mother is gone! Where is my mom? I need her to hold me on her lap. I need her to read to me. Who are these other women and people? Where are we? The vague thoughts I remember having. We were in 1 bedroom, My mother, older brother, myself and my baby brother. Meals were noisy and I felt very out of place. Never enough to eat. I was quiet, withdrawn and alone. Mother had to work out of the house and leave all of us children for the other mothers to raise. Many times, we were left with some of the older boys when the other mothers had things to do. We didn't see much of Mom until around dinner.

I remember the first time "it" happened. One of the other Mom's.. (We will call her "I") Was suppose to be watching us. She told us to stay in a bedroom with some of her older boys. I remember her saying to keep us in there till dinner was done. I don't remember too much about what we were doing but I think a TV was on and they were watching some kind of sport. I took no interest in it so I decided to fall asleep. There were 2 boys in the room and I remember one of them saying stay asleep. That's when "it" happened and when my childhood ended. I won't go into details as It's still to hard for me to voice or write down.

I was nearly 4 years old. I look at my 4 year old and wonder how anyone, of any age, could do such things to such an innocent child. This went on for the next 8 years 2-3 times a week. It wasn't until My mother moved out of "that" house and into her own place, did it stop. I was 12 years old. That 8 years of my life is a blur.

The family dynamic was one where I knew if I told anyone, I would not be believed. It was later that year before I told anyone. One night,8 years later, I was talking to one of my Step-sisters "A", as she stayed the night. I was curious if the same things happened to her. She then told my Step-father (Which I PRAYED she would do). 4 days later, my step-Father came to the house to talk to me about it. He told me that he already talked to them about it and said I was not to tell anyone. He would take care of it and tell my mother. Being young I believed him at his word and knew he would tell mom. Then the healing would start.

Months passed and nothing! I felt I would explode! I was taught to "honor thy father and thy mother". My acting father told me to not tell anyone, so I didn't.

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 Update 11-5-12
Praise to my God for removing this burden I had on my shoulders for so many years! My Lord and Savior took it all. He fixed what counseling and anything I tried to do for my myself to fix it.  I'm Free!!!

A childhood




I am a Child of God. I am a Daughter of God. At many points in my life, I dare not believe in such things. I questioned how a God could allow certain things to happen to his Child whom he loved so much. It's taken me years to come to a realization that He truly does love me.

I was born into a family who loved the Lord. My Mother who was previously married to another man, we will call him Dee, and was unable to give her a child. She longed to have children. She left this man because she found a Religion her Sister told her about and He didn't feel it was right. In this other church, she met a man who was married to her sister. This man also asked my Mother to marry him and they did. His name was John Whitman Ray and the Religion she joined was Polygamy. Mother was his 9th wife out of 12. Not long after they married, my mother gave birth to her first child at the age of 26, My Older brother. Three years later she was blessed with a daughter. Myself. She was since blessed with 1 more child from the same man and 2 more children from another man as well as and 1 Angel who was born without life.




I had a Happy childhood living in the Blue and white house in Kearns Utah. We had a Dog that I loved! (He peed on the carpet and I blamed it on my older brother because mom said she would take him to the Pound if he didn't stop.) The Pound, in my mind, was a terrible, horrible thing where they would "pound" the animals dead... so I felt it was my job to protect our dog. Memories of crawling on our floor, pulling a small black and white TV off a dresser almost on top of my head. My Brothers electric race car track. He would never allow me to play with because I couldn't make the car stay on the track. A mattress in our basement, leaning against the wall, I would drive cars up and down on with one of my Half brothers, Johnny. Running across the street in nothing but a t-shirt while I was potty training to play with Kenny on his woodpile. Needless to say. I have very vivid memories of my childhood till after age 3.
I loved it when my father came home. I would climb up on the arm of the couch and jump into his arms. He would place me on his massage table to rub my neck and back. Then lift me up high in the air and then hug and kiss me. I will forever hold those precious memories dear to my heart.



Within the year of my 2nd year, my Father committed Adultery with someone not given to him as a wife and left all of his wives and children, giving each wife the option to come with him. All 12 of them refused. My mother was left alone with 3 young children to raise. It was the last time I would ever see my father.

One day, these people started to show up at our house. Talking with my mother and bringing kids to play with me. On my 3rd Birthday, the house was full of strangers, staring at me and making me feel very uncomfortable. They all sang Happy Birthday to me and waited for me to blow out the candles on my huge, orange, Barbie cake. I refused to come out from behind my mother's legs.

Not long after that, I remember my mother packing our belongings into boxes and moving into a house not far from the one we lived in. She had remarried into another family where she was the 3rd wife. We all stayed in one room in the basement. This is where my memory of my childhood is vague and mumbled and for good reason! To this day I am still working through childhood issues.

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Update 11-5-12
I wish to add to this now that I have become New in Christ and found my Savior. I will clear it up that I was not a child of God. I was a Creation of God. He adopted me into the Family and Body of Christ after I accepted the one true and only Jesus Christ. Not a False Christ.
 If you read John 1 you will see that "To all who believed Him (Jesus) to all who believed on His name, he gave the RIGHT to be called the children of God." Follow that up with John 8:44 where Jesus clearly states a separation between those who follow Him and those who dont. The ones who dont are called the Devils children! We ARE created in Gods image. He DOES love us all. Enough to die for us! But unless we choose to be adopted into Gods family... we aren't in it!!