Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Telling the family

We called Mom over to announce that we were joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Mom, Misty (Youngest sister from another father), Jason (Youngest Brother from another father) and Mark (Youngest brother from my Same father) attended. Mom didn't take it really well. In her mind, Brian and I were apostatizing. Misty was really confused and asked question after question.. But we will go into her story later.

I thought Mom was going to have a heart attack right there. She started rambling things off about how could we do such things. How she didn't teach her children right... etc... It wasn't till about a week later that she called to let us know that she prayed about us and said that she was given a confirmation that the Church is where Brian and I needed to be, at this time, to learn the "Fundamental Principles of the gospel" and then we would again Rejoin the "Priesthood" again. I didn't want to argue with her so we left it at that. We had no intentions of leaving to go back. Not with the knowledge and truths God had given us.

I don't remember how Brian's Mother (Who was still living in our basement at the time) took it. But Her Daughters Mary and Becky had already joined the church. Now it was Brian and I. We didn't tell many others because of what we saw Becky and Sam go though. We didn't wish to become targets in any way!

Missionaries, Church and Stake President!

We knew what we needed to do next! How do you get a hold of the missionaries? We are ready to start our conversion process! We started to go to church the next Sunday and started flying through the missionary discussions! Lesson on top of lesson! We had questions that they couldn't answer but were willing to find them with us.

We were raised to not partake of the Sacrament till you were baptized... so I was NOT going to partake till I was able to be baptized. That first Sunday came and I didn't partake. I watched Mothers give it to their children. Children not of age yet partake.. but I didn't and felt so very empty. That week I prayed, studied and asked questions. The next Sunday came around, I still had not been given an answer. I prayed about what I should do. When the bread came to me, it was a leap of faith. I Partook and was filled with so much warmth! It was the right thing! I had never felt this way after partaking. It was a new WONDERFUL feeling! Later that Sunday, a scripture that Christ said in Mathew 19:14 became even more clear in my mind and heart! "Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Why would he not permit the most precious and pure of us all to partake of his ordinances?

We talked with our bishop and asked questions he couldn't answer so he sent us to the Stake President. Some of those questions were about blacks and the priesthood, the garments that were given to us and the protection they provided, Authority, Adam God Doctrine/Theory.. and so much more! Not every question was answered that left peace and understanding. 

We were now preparing to join the church! The papers had been filled out in March and we were ready to be baptized! We still had a long wait ahead of us!


Update 11-9-12
Here it is, yet again. Warmth followed by no clear knowledgeable answer.

The drive home

We stayed and talked with Becky W and her Husband for a little over an hour. We then headed home.

All the way home we talked about the church and what we needed to do next. In "The Group" we were given a garment to wear day and night. Brian has had some spiritual and Physical blessings connect to that piece of clothing. It has protected him physically from harm, more then once. How could those covenants he made to Heavenly Father be void and how could that garment that he now wore be untrue? It DID Protect him!

When we got home we put the 2 younger children to bed and talked more. The questions were what do we do with the garments we were given? We made covenants and were not about to brake them! I had already resolved in my mind what I needed to do.. But I wasn't going to do it alone. We needed to do this together! As Husband and Wife! He would go into the bedroom to pray for an answer and would then come out with nothing. He did this 3 times. I felt to say. "Sweetheart? Have you not been given the answer already today? You know where the authority is, right? Were we then not given this garment without the proper authority?" It was a leap of faith for him. He took off this garments and immediately felt at peace!

I can't even describe the joy, support, love and understand that came over me knowing we were now on the same path together! Not all of our questions were answered, yet, but we knew what was right, in our hearts!


Update 11-9-12
.....and all of our questions would NEVER get answered... until we realized where the truth actually was! 

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Missionary Fireside

Brian is asking more questions and I try to answer them from what I've been learning the last 2 weeks. What I don't know, I call My SIL Becky and ask her.

Becky W. invited us to a Missionary Fireside the next Sunday and I agreed to go. Brian was hesitant. Elder Iring was going to be the speaker.

That Sunday we went to Church at "The Building". Brian was on board enough to refuse the Sacrament that day. Chuck Todd, one of the Elders passing the Sacrament went out of his way and made his way from the front of the room all the way to the back, were we were, to offer us the Sacrament. When we refused, he knew we were leaving.

I remember a Woman getting up to speak. Her subject was about how Joseph Smith was reincarnated and came back as some other Prophet.. Brian and I had to leave early to make it to the Missionary fireside and didn't get to hear her conclusion OR the Prophet get up and correct her when she was through. When we left, I was more convinced that the group was not true!

We made our way to Becky W's Ward house near MillCreak Canyon in Salt Lake. We stopped at Becky's house and carpooled to the Stake Center. We went into the Chapel and sat down. As we waited Becky and I spoke some. About the time it was getting ready to start a white backdrop started to come down from the Ceiling. It was going to be a Film.

Brian was not amused!! We were expecting to get to "See" and "Hear" a Member of the "12 Apostles" speak to us in the same room. Why not? We were always privileged to have our "Prophet" at church with us every week! I was a little disappointed myself but that quickly passed. Brian on the other hand was not going to have any part of it. He looked around at the construction of the building. The beams, the ceiling walls and thought about how it was constructed during the film. He looked over at me and noticed I was sobbing. The message was wonderful, spiritual, peaceful! Enough to bring tears to my eyes (These days it didn't take much)

Brian started to kick himself. Telling himself what a Jerk he was being for not even trying! He then started to pray in his mind, asking if Owen A Allred held the Keys.....Nothing. No answer like always. He then asked WHO? Gordon Hinckly's name popped into his head. He didn't say anything to me.

The Fireside ended and we went back to Becky's house. Her husband and her brought out some refreshments. (Key lime Pie and a drink) and we sat down. Brian didn't. He started to pace... then asked, Who is Gordon Hinckley? When they told him he started to pace even more!! I don't remember exactly what he said but it was almost like "I don't want to be a Mormon! But the answer I received makes it hard for me to deny where I need to go now!"

2 Weeks!! It had only been 2 weeks from when I received my Testimony!! It was the Longest 2 Weeks of my entire life!!


Update 11-9-12
Yet another example of Satan's deception. Names planted into someones mind.  Along with this he also received a "Burning" he said ".....from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet it was a woosh of warmth" Where is the Knowledge that should have accompanied that?

The Hug!

The mood in the house is cold and dark. We don't talk. We don't even meet eye to eye anymore. I'm again in my room reading and Brian is playing his RPG. (Role Playing game online)We are expecting the nurse. The nurse that is coming to give Brian a physical and take his blood for the Life insurance. The doorbell rings and I hear him get up and answer the door, so I stay in my room with the door closed. 10, or so minutes later the doorbell rings again. I figure he's busy with the nurse and go answer the door. It's the Nurse!! So, who's in the computer room with Brian?? I look around the nurse and see Becky's Suburban parked in the driveway....

I show the Nurse in to the Kitchen, walk down the hall and gently knock on the closed Computer room door. Brian opens it and I see his sister, Becky. I meet Becky's eyes with a questioning look. Brian heads to the Kitchen and I talk quietly with Becky.

Becky and Brian are Best siblings. Becky could not go another day with Brian hating her so she came over to try and make amends.

Brian gets through with his Physical and we sign the papers. Brian then goes back into the computer room with his sister and I went back to my room, and sat on the floor by the door.

What's going on in there!! 20 Minutes passed. I tried to read and tried to think of other things but I wanted so much to know what was going on in that room! Something told me that it was Okay to go in. When I opened the door I saw Brian Hugging his sister, Becky Crying and Brian...He looked different.

He told me later that He had a hard heart. He was Angry! Angry at Becky, Me.. and everyone who was tearing his life apart! He wasn't listening to anything Becky tried to tell him in the room. He just sat there.. Angry! I'm not sure what lead up to the hug when I walked in but Brian said he didn't want to be angry at his sister anymore and let go of some of it to hug her. When he hugged her he felt a warmth and a peace. He was also confused how he could feel such peace, from his sister who was on the road to "Apostasy".

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Visiting the Church Archives.

Time lines! This was really weighing on my mind! The group was founded by a man named Lorin Woolley. He was the Man that told of a Story about John Taylor being told by the Lord and Joseph Smith to keep Plural Marriage alive. If it weren't for him, and his "Stories" there would be no Group.

Lorin tells of an 8 hour meeting where John Taylor reportedly told some men about his experience with the Lord. If that never happened then it was all a lie. I had to find out for myself. The only place I could go were the Church archives and read people journals on Microfiche. Find out where they were during this meeting. In every single Journal I read.. none of the men were at the meeting on that day... Many of them were counties away. In one journal Entry I read something about Lorin Woolley and they even gave him a Nick Name. "Noisy" Lorin Woolley seemed to have had an ego problem even in his early years. The Centerville Fifth Ward Elders Quorum minutes, for instance, reveal that Lonn was the first to speak at quorum meetings and frequently dominated discussion. His self-evaluation as "Noisy," a nickname he picked up in his childhood, confirms this. In other journal entries he was known as a Lier. At Lorins Church trial in 1924, which resulted in his excommunication on a charge of "pernicious falsehood" where he claimed Heber C Kimball and taken 5 other wives and sealed them to already married men after the Manifesto.

I'll stop right there. Way to much information, it's making my head hurt as well. Needless to say, I kept running into contradicting stories.

One of the biggest discoveries for myself, was about Joseph and Hyrum Smith. The "Group" has a story that Joseph and Hyrums bodies were exhumed, placed in new caskets and brought to the Salt Lake Valley then buried on Temple square by Brigham Young in the fall of 1848. Lorin Woolley also has an account where Joseph appeared to him and shook his hand as well as Charles Wilcken. Joseph also appeared to John Tayor at the 8 hour meeting to lay his hands on his head to set him apart.

What I found in the Archives left me in tears.. It was THEN that I knew it was all a lie! This information can now be found online but I also have a hard copy printed out with pictures. This is what I found:
That Joseph and Hyrum were not resurrected in 1886 may be further borne out by the fact that the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints exhumed their bodies in 1928. Samuel O. Bennion, then President of the East Central States Mission, with three others, upon hearing about the exhumation, drove from In dependence to Nauvoo, and they arrived just after the bodies had been disinterred. He wrote in a report to President Heber J. Grant:

Fred(rick) M. (Smith, President of the Reorganized Church) took me upstairs where they were photographing and taking measurements of the skulls of Joseph and Hyrum. I could hardly keep the tears back when I saw these men handling these skulls like they were just common ordinary skulls and I said to Fred M. Why don't you let the bodies of these men rest where they were, it seemed a terrible thing to disturb their graves. He answered me, by saying that he wanted to find out if the graves of these men were down by what was called the Spring House and rather evasively avoided my question, but told me that he did not know exactly where they were buried and he wanted to find out. It is my impression brethren that he had heard reports that Brigham Young took the bodies of Joseph and Hyrum to Utah and that he wanted to prove it untrue. He did not mention that but in an indirect way he did. I said to him "Didn't your father tell you where these bodies were laid?" And he answered "Yes." I told him his father had told me where they were and that I was convinced that they were there close to the foot of Emma Smith's grave.

The lowe-r jaw of Hyrum Smith is just as near like the pictures of Hyrum as it could be. His jaw was very large and was quite square especially at the chin compared with Joseph's. Joseph's jaw was more pointed, but Hyrum's was a little more square all around than Joseph's. These men must have been big because their lower jaws were extra large and strong.

The bullet that killed Hyrum entered into his face near the lower part of his nose on the right side and broke his upper jaw just above the teeth. The break shows very distinctly where the bullet entered the face, because the bone was broken and the bullet went in an upward direction right under the eye and came out on the other side of his head, just a little above his ear and toward the front.

If Joseph's and Hyrum's bodies were exhumed in 1928, we may logically assume that they had not previously been resurrected. We may confidently conclude with Brigham Young: "When Joseph is resurrected, you may find the linen that enshrouded his body, but you will not find his body in the grave.".

Here are some links for those that want to learn more about the "8 hour meeting", Fundamentalism, And just General Information about the subject.


Update  11-9-12
Why ohh why didn't I choose to dig a little bit deeper? I now understand a little more why the Archive worker was nervous about the materials I was asking to view. Why didn't I look deeper?

Along the road.....

As I was reading the scriptures I was really focusing on D&C 132. I had a testimony of Plural Marriage so.. if I know it was true how could I not live it? I was reading it word for word, verse by verse and studying each word. I was praying for clarity as I read it. I started to understand that this was given to Joseph Smith, directly! These were his Promises. HIS Tests. HIS blessings! Again! I learned that the "Group" was taking the scriptures out of context. Thankfully, Brian started seeing it too.

There were a lot of people "Studying" at this time and leaving the "Group". A lot of other people were asking questions and none were getting answers. Brian was on board...kind of.. and went to one of these classes with me. He had his own questions he needed answered as well. At these classes.. One thing Brian and I both noticed how they never actually answer the question. They would tell a story about so-n-so and his experience and literally dance all around the question, never answering it.

I was struggling with blacks and the priesthood. How Children were allowed to partake of the sacrament before they were baptized. The changing of the Garments over time and many other teachings that didn't match the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The group claimed to have the same pattern of the Garments that Adam and Eve wore. My Sister in Law has someone in her new ward that knew someone that had Hyrums Garments. The ones he wore when he was shot and was going to be at her ward one evening. I had to see with my own eyes. They were Red long underwear. NOTHING like what the group had. NOTHING!

Over time and through reading the scriptures, mainly the book of Mormon, all of my questions were answered and I realized that the others didn't matter! We joke about worrying about which side of the gate the hinge is on. The gate still opens up. Does it matter which side the hinge is on?


Update 11-9-12

After Joining the LDS church I still struggled with the fact that a Loving God would deny his own "Children" his priesthood because of a color. Was he really that racist?  What of the 2nd Article of Faith? We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression... Why are they then being punished for something their ancestors did?

I still struggled with the garment changes, Temple ordinance changes, Why the LDS didn't teach earlier doctrine if the "prophet" that spoke it said it was a fundamental principle and one couldn't make it to the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom without it? Then one day, it was wiped out, removed, and didn't matter.  And ohhhh, don't bring up Adam God, Polygamy, Blood Atonement, Joseph Smiths many wives..let alone his 14 year old Brides and the women that were married already. Brigham Young and his many wives... and why many of the Prophets still lived Polygamy even after the Manifesto. (Yes.. these questions, and more are what I asked my Bishops and Stake presidents till I was finally threatened by one of my Stake presidents that "If you purse this course, you will be filled with the spirit of the Devil and fall away from the Restoration.")

I had way to many questions without answers but I decided to instead bury my head in the sand after the last threat from my Stake President, and set it all on the shelf.

Any religion that can't handle some straight forward questions and be able to give some straight forward answers to those questions must have a very unstable foundation or have a lot to hide.

D&C Chapter 6

I raised my hopes way to high! High enough to have them crash down, leaving me questioning. Did I really feel what I did? Did I really hear what I did? Was it all a figment of my imagination? Was it what I really wanted? I'm comfortable where I am. Why do I want to cause myself all this pain and worry? It's easier to stay where we are with Brian. No more fighting or Cold greetings.

I voiced these words to my friend, Becky W. She hugged me and gave me some scriptures of encouragement. I don't remember what they were but I do know they helped me while I was struggling.

I went home and said a prayer for some comfort and strength. I then felt to let my scriptures fall open. After the pages fell open my eyes fell upon this scripture.

Doctrine and Covenants Chapter 6 Verses 21-23
21 Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not. I am the light which shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.
22 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.
23 Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?

Again, an answer from my Heavenly Father to bring peace and strength back into my heart! Received the strength to hang on longer and be patient with Brian.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Out Of Context.

I miss my husband! How can I get him to see and FEEL what I do? We don't talk like we use to. He's so distant. Cold and angry would be the words I would describe him as. He wakes up, goes to work, comes home and plays his RPG Online game till bedtime. I'm so alone. I need someone to share my new found knowledge with. Someone who can understand and rejoice with me!

It was a rough week not being as close to my husband as I wanted to be. I was not going to move forward without him. I couldn't!!

He's preparing to loose me and the kids. In his mind we are leaving him to join the LDS church and I'm going to take our 2 children with me. He's at work, Framing an LDS chapel, Standing at the top of the trusses and contemplating jumping. He feels it's all over for him. What will there we left to live for?

He still feels he needs to take care of his children so he takes out some life insurance. Makes an appointment for a Nurse to come over for a Physical and start the ball rolling.

I remember sitting in our bedroom reading.. no... DRINKING in the scriptures. As bad as things were between Brian and I, I still had the scriptures to comfort me. I was reading in Moses and a verse I came across really hit me with a ton of bricks! Moses 6:57 "Wherefore teach it unto your children, that all men, everywhere, must repent, or they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God, for no unclean thing can dwell there, or dwell in his presence; for, in the language of Adam, Man of Holiness is his name, and the name of his Only Begotten is the Son of Man, even Jesus Christ, a righteous Judge, who shall come in the meridian of time."

At this time, Donna, Bonnie and Alice, Our Sunday School teachers, were teaching that Adam is and was God. Quoting the scripture above. They believe that Adam is the God that created the Earth. I wasn't going to take anything for Granted anymore and questioned everything! Reading this scripture I realized, they were taking it out of context!

I called Brian in and had him read this verse. He said "Yes. Adam is God." I said "No, Read it again!" He read it again. Not putting the punctuation into consideration. I said "Hun, read it again. Punctuate!" He did. Read it and when a Coma came up he would say "Coma." Same with Periods. When he came to the spot that said "....for, in the language of Adam, Man of Holiness is his name, and the name of his Only Begotten is the Son of Man, even Jesus Christ,....." He read it over and over and I saw a light go on in his head! "In the LANGUAGE of Adam.... Man Of Holiness is his name. NOT Adam's name is Man of Holiness.. But in the LANGUAGE of Adam! They are teaching this out of context!!"

I had my first Brake through, but it was just the beginning!


Update 11-9-12
I was questioning everything.. but not nearly as much as I should of. I was still hanging onto my "testimonies" that came through strong deceiving feelings. Had I truly been questioning "Everything" I would have looked into the foundation of the LDS Church. The true History and true Character or the man that started it all. I knew many of the things he did but I was so use to writing them off as "exceptions to the rule", "God required that of him", "It was his calling"..... and so many more. Why, OH WHY didn't I truly question everything?

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Fox's Den

One day I was talking with My Friend Becky W. It had been a week since I gained my Testimony. A VERY long week! Brian would not budge and it seemed like he was getting more and more angry! I had to be careful, because, Joanne was also a member of the "Group" and I couldn't afford for the word to get out about Brian and I. I didn't have the energy to fight anything other then Brian.

One day I pulled Becky aside to talk to her about the week. I looked at my life as being a baby Fox living in a hole. The adult Fox would teach us everything about life above ground and prepare us for a life underground. "Don't go up that ladder. There are hunters waiting to kill you. They have guns and knives and you'll be though the moment you stick your head out of that hole!"

I decided to stick my head out and see for myself. I didn't see what they said I would see. I saw green grass! Trees! Flowers! Blue Sky! I felt the warmth of the sun! A wonderful Breeze on my face! Exhilarating smells! There were no hunters! No one around anywhere to cause me any harm! How could someone teach such false things to their children!? I would scurry back down the hole and quietly share what I saw with very few people I trusted and try to get them to follow me.

Becky could see I was still staying strong but our situation with Brian was starting to drag me down. Her words of comfort were just what I needed!

New Road

Gordon Hinckley! Who is that??

After I dried my tears, blew my nose, gained my composure, I picked up the phone and called my Sister in Law, Becky. Told her I prayed about somethings and received an answer. "Who is Gordon Hinckley?" Her reply, "The President of the LDS Church."

I was silent for I don't know how long. Seconds probably but it felt like minutes. I then told her of my experience and started sobbing once again.. then said "Well, Becky... If He holds the Keys (Has the authority to perform all of the priesthood ordinances.), then I need to join the church!"

Sometime in our conversation she said "What about Brian?" I also thought about Brian. We had then been married for 4 years. Had 2 children and a home. If I went on to join the church right now, I would loose my husband! We had to get him to see what we did and gain a testimony like we did!

After receiving my Testimony about President Hinckley, that black cloud that was cast over my mind, was gone!! I read and understood the scriptures (Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, Pearl of Great Price) for the first time. I literally drank them in! Loved every word in them and understood them.

(While growing up, the adults would always say that there were hidden messages in the scriptures and you needed to find those hidden messages and apply them to your life. I could never find them and got frustrated to the point where I didn't read the scriptures anymore. How could I read something I didn't understand.)

That day, when Brian came home. I was sitting at the counter reading the scriptures and other writings. The moment he came in the door I was super excited to share with him what I found! Read from the scriptures and showed him why!! He was overwhelmed and shocked to see his wife like this. I told him a little of my experience that day and what I found! I told him I was starting to question about the group being true. After that, he didn't want to talk about any of it. A wall was thrown up and I didn't know my husband anymore.

I started to go over to Becky's house to learn more so I could convince Brian of the Truth. I realized I gave him to much information that first day, he thought for sure he lost his wife to the church. I studied, learned and talked with Becky. Brian's Brother saw our van over there and told Brian that I was spending a lot of time there. Brian got really Angry!

Once a week, I would drive with a friend "Joanne" up to Mill Creek Canyon to clean a house. The owners of this house were good members of the church and one was a Member of the Tabernacle Choir. We will call her Becky W. I told her of my experience and she became a wonderful friend for me to rely on!

Prayers Answered!

I remember the day Brian came home and told me his sister, Becky, and Brother in law, Sam were "Studying". They were on the road to joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and were going to apostatize. The first thing I said was, "She's still my sister and I'm not going to shut them out, just because of that!" Brian agreed but I could tell he was worried about them.

Later that week, I was going to drive into Salt Lake and asked Becky if she wouldn't mind watching the kids. Knocked on her door to drop the kids off. Went into her home and started to get the kids ready. I noticed a very peaceful feeling in her home. I followed her into her bedroom and sat down on her bed, almost basking in the feeling when I asked her "So, Becky, what's going on?" That question was more loaded then I realized at the time.

Becky started telling me about what she discovered in her "studying". Who the founder of the "Group" was, and other information. The spirit being what it was in her home and the peace I felt.. confused me! How could someone have such a wonderful spirit about them yet be on the road to "hell"? I had to find out!

I went home and read though some material she gave me that I asked for. I wanted to help her realized what she was doing was wrong or find out for myself if what I was doing was wrong. I didn't understand the scriptures so I couldn't turn to them. Only the material she gave me to look over. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. It was as if I had a black cloud covering my mind .. but I HAD to know! I didn't understand the writings, scriptures.. How was I going to get my answers?

I knelt down and prayed to my Father in Heaven! In my prayer I asked for peace, comfort and knowledge. I then asked him something I had never ask before... because I thought I knew how he felt about me. Disappointment, anger for my choices and disgust. The answer I received was overwhelming and unexpected!! I asked "Heavenly Father? Do you love me?" From that came a warmth I had never before felt! I felt warm arms physically wrap around me as if he himself was giving me a hug! The love that flowed though me was indescribable! I then asked, through my tears, "Am I doing the right thing? Do you approve of what I'm doing?" I then felt something touch under my chin and caused me to raise my head as if to look up. I felt so peaceful and knew I was doing what He wanted me to do! For the first time since I can remember, I KNEW Heavenly Father loved me! Knew me! Wanted me to be doing what I was doing at this very moment! The tears flowed freely and I was sobbing!

The next question I was almost hesitant to ask. I had asked it before with the same answer.. Nothing! But I had heaven opened to me right now! This very moment! Now would be the time to have it answered! "Heavenly Father, Does Owen A. Allred hold all the Keys of the priesthood!"................. The answer I received was like the last... NOTHING!! In my Frustration I reworded my question. I knew Heaven was close and was not going to give up. "Heavenly Father? Who Holds all of the Keys of the Priesthood?" This was one question I needed to know! What ever the answer was, Heavenly Father knew I would follow his will! My Mind was clear and this name came into it. Gordon Hinckley........



Update 11-9-12
Feelings, warmth, peace, physical sensations, a name planted into my mind... all things Satan can use to deceive. All things the bible warns of without Biblical Knowledge from studying Gods Word. All things I was taught to look for to gain a spiritual testimony and know what was true through prayer. All of it DECEPTION!

 Some emotions we are told to control are:

Fear - 2 Timothy 1:7 (cf. Joshua 1:9; Revelation 2:10)
Anger - James 1:19,20 (cf. Proverbs 16:32; Matthew 5:22)
Hatred (1 John 3:15; 4:20)
Love (1 John 2:15-17; 1 Timothy 6:10; 2 Timothy 3:2-4)
Joy (1 Corinthians 13:6)
These emotions are not necessarily bad, but they can lead to serious error if we let them control us. If we cannot trust these emotions to guide us, how can we trust any emotions? How could we know which to trust and which not to trust?

The Bible specifically warns that the feelings of our hearts may lead us into error.

Jeremiah 17:9 - The heart is deceitful above all things and is exceedingly corrupt. Who can know it? Would God use something so unreliable to lead us to truth? [Matt. 15:18-20; Prov. 4:23]

Proverbs 14:12 - There is a way that seems right to man, but the end thereof are the ways of death. How can this be harmonized with the idea that "it can't be wrong if it feels so right"?

Proverbs 28:26 - He who trusts in his own heart is a fool. Why? Because the urgings of the heart are unreliable and often lead to error! Poets may say to "follow your heart." But the Bible confirms what we all really know: trusting your feelings can lead to tragic error.

Acts 26:9 - Saul of Tarsus really thought that he ought to do many things contrary to Jesus. He felt sure he was right. But he was really the chief of sinners (1 Timothy 1:12-15).

Jeremiah 10:23 - Proper guidance in how to live is not found inside man. It comes from outside man. Clearly we cannot expect to find assurance of truth in our feelings.

Emotions are neither good nor bad of themselves, but God never intended for them to guide us or to reveal what is good or bad. We should control them, not let them control us. They are followers, not leaders. To follow them is to get the "cart before the horse."

To believe that we can know right from wrong by praying for a feeling or by following our emotions is to pervert the purpose of feelings and to expose ourselves to all sorts of false practices.
(Study also Matthew 7:21-23 and 2 Corinthians 10:18.)

Married Life and blessings revealed!

Married life is great! After we married, we lived with my mother for the first 2 months. After that we moved out into our own apartment. I needed to be married to my husband and live alone. It was a challenge living with mom trying to control so much of our lives. All in the name of saving money for a future home. It wasn't worth my sanity.

While living in the Apartment in West Jordan, we found a plot of land in Riverton where we were going to build our first home. Corey was born in the Apartment and 3 months later we moved into the house!

I was so excited, then, Brian told me that his mother, 2 brothers and 1 sister were going to move in with us.. I was not excited. I was scared!! I had seen how relationships went when people moved in with others. I told Brian my fears and concerns. He said it would be good practice when he took on another wife. I would already be use to living with someone else. Took a deep breath and moved on. For the most part, things went well. To say I was completely comfortable all the time would be a lie but I learned to make the best of the situation handed to me. I had lived under worse circumstances before and this would be a cake walk....I hoped!

We had our moments,  but for the most part everything went well. I look back on the situation now and am so glad I had them living with us! Not sure how I could have raised my children while going through Postpartum depression for the length of time I was. Knowing there was usually someone home to fall back on if I needed to have a small brake from the children was a blessing.. I see, now!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Family Life

Loving married life! Hawaii (Oahu) was wonderful! We drove around the island and saw everything! Horseback ridding through the Dole Plantation, Snorkeling at Hanauma Bay, Went to the Polynesian Cultural Center. Visited many beaches including the Waikiki Aquarium, Hiked into Diamond Head and even spent some time in our hotel room burnt to a crisp.. Good times!

We got home July 4th and had a letter waiting for us from Own A Allred. Long drawn out story but we were not going to be married legally because we didn't want my sister wife to feel like she was any less important then the first wife was. Owen told us we needed to get it done legally so.. Legally we were married on July 5th 1994.

Not long after we were married We found out we were expecting our first child. Corey was born April 29th 1995 at 12:02 A.M. in our apartment in West Jordan. Morning sickness was awful! I got sick every day till he was born. I even got sick while I was in labor. I was so happy to be a mother but at the same time I was dealing with PPD (Postpartum Depression) I had no Idea it was normal and was not about to talk to anyone about the thoughts I was having.


Not long after Corey's birth, I was sitting at the Kitchen Table, in our New home in Riverton, eating breakfast when I had this wave of nausea hit me. I thought for a second it was the flu coming on then thought. "I know this feeling!" I went right over to my midwifes home and we took a Pregnancy test. It was positive. Corey was 6 Months old and I was 3 months pregnant!! I cried for 3 days. I was not ready for another baby! It took some time to accept the pregnancy and by the time Cerena was born I was ready to be a mother of 2 children really close in age. Again, PPD set in. It was harder this time and took much longer to let up! (2 years)


Those 2 were the best of friends as they grew up!

We are living in the house that Brian built in Riverton with his mother and brothers, Jeremy and Jacob living in the basement and Sister Hannah in a bedroom upstairs. Life isn't without it'stress but I try, again to lay low and hope family life stays good. For the most part, it does.

Then.... Brians Sister and Brother-in-law start to Study!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

June 24-25th 1994

Our reception date was set for June 24th and then we were going to go through the "Endowment House" June 25th to take out our endowments and be married.

I stood in the kitchen area in the basement of "The Building" in curlers, preparing the refreshments for our reception. It gave me time to ponder and think.. do I really want to do this? The answer was always, YES!

The reception was simple, elegant and inexpensive! At the end we filled up our car with all the gifts and I headed back to my mothers home, in West Valley. I would have to drive back very early in the morning to attend the endowment session with Brian. Drove to Becky's house in Riverton to pick up Brian and we headed to Bluffdale.

We sat in a room for a while waiting for everyone else to show up. Then someone came in and gave a kind of speech then lead us back to the dressing rooms where we changed into our White clothing.

The message of the Endowment was a good message but as for "Feeling" anything... I didn't. No warmth, no uplifting sense of what we were doing was right. The best words I can use is a Beautiful Box.. with nothing in it.

The only part I felt anything while in there was while I was being married to Brian. We both cried!

Afterwords, we both got into the car and drove off together for the first time as Husband and Wife. We did some shopping together then spent our first time together in Sandy in a hotel.

The next day we attended church. Everyone kept asking what were we doing there?? Our flight to Hawaii didn't leave till the next morning.

We Believe Strongly.....

Brian and I were asked to write our testimonies down to give to the Priesthood before we could get married.

We were at a youth conference sitting on the back stairs and writing them down. Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, Baptism, Sacrament, Jesus Christs Atonement.... etc... then we came to Owen A Allred holding all the keys of the priesthood. We could not say we had a testimony of that. We tried but the best we could put down on the paper was "We believe strongly...." Neither one of us had a testimony of that so we could not say we did. That was our Truth! We chalked it up to "You're not ready for that yet" and moved on.

Besides... when we got married I'm SURE we would receive that testimony! Can we say.. empty shell... Again???


Update 11-9-12
I feel to mention here, again, how we can't trust our Feelings when it comes to God. Feelings can deceive and Satan knows how to manipulate them.  We have been warned throughout the bible about this very thing. 

2 Corinthians 11:13-15
13 For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ.
14 And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.
15 Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed as the ministers of righteousness; whose end shall be according to their works.

Proverbs 28:26 He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered.

 Jeremiah 10:23  O Lord, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps.

 To know whether or not some teaching is true, we should search the Scriptures daily, not pray for an emotional experience.

 Acts 17:11These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so.

Happy 18th Birthday!

It's April 1st 1994. My 18th Birthday! I'm now 18 years old! Wow!!

Mom hands me my gift. It's a letter from her telling me what a wonderful daughter I've been and how she wishes me such happiness in my future. She's never written letters to me before. 

Brian picks me up after my work day at OC Tanner. I had only been working there for a week. He takes me for a motor cycle ride many places. Canyons near Harriman and all over. I love our motorcycle trips together. Hugging him and holding as I feel the wind blowing around me. I try to put my hands in his coat pocket to warm them but he gently nudges them away. humm... Why?? I didn't think about it too much.

We talked  about our plans in life and everything. I loved our time together. That evening, we went to dinner at our favorite restaurant, Golden Tree in Riverton. Mom, baby sis Misty, Jason, Mark, John Llewellyn, Becky, Sam.. all were there. We had a wonderful dinner then Brian went into the back and brought out a cake. Lit the candles and everyone sang happy birthday.

After I make a wish and blow out the candles, Brian stands up, gets down on one knee and says "Be careful what your wish for. It just may come true!" He then pulls a ring box out of his pocket and says "Will you marry me?" I say yes and open the box. Nothing is in it! I look up at Brian and punch him in the arm and say "You Jerk!!" Keep in mind, it's April Fool day. Brian has never played an April Fools joke on me.. ever. So this one took the cake!

He then pulls out another ring from his other pocket and says "Just kidding!" I open it up and see the most beautiful ring and start to cry! He then places it on my finger and the tears really start to flow!

I can't believe it! after 4 years of the best Friendship I am now engaged to my Best Friend!

Normal Life?

Life is as normal as we know. We sit down and talk, for the first time, about the things we went through as we grew up. How it's made us feel and for the first time we all feel safe voicing them.

We all realize how blessed we are to be where we are.

I get a job working at Hardee's and Love it.. for a while. How long can one love working Fast food? It was a learning experience. One I will never take back. I worked there for 7 Months and knew I needed to do something else. I signed up for a Temp agency who got me a job at a Clothing manufacturer warehouse. Gimme International. Was another learning experience. I stayed with them for 3 months and quit. The temp agency then got me a job working at OC Tanner. That was a wonderful Experience!

While I worked at OC Tanner I became engaged. (But we will save that for another entry)

I learned good work ethics and about the work environment. They didn't need me to work with them any longer as a Temp but said if I ever needed a job, to call them and they would have one waiting for me.

Life was normal, Mom worked, kids went to school. I went to work and we all came home to be together as a family for dinner. Life was good. I still dreaded going to church because "They" were there. We avoided eye contact and steered as far away from them as possible.

I had a wonderful Man to lean on. We still went out on dates when we could and enjoyed one anothers company. Life was normal..

I can't say that enough.. Life was NORMAL. (what I pictured normal to be)

The move! FREEDOM!

Back to the Condo in West Valley!

I remember the first day we walked into the condo. It looked like a tornado, indoors, hit it! 3 and 4 foot piles of clothing in every corner. Garbage scattered everywhere! Cigarette butts, food, boxes and the smells... It was horrible!! But.. It was home! I didn't want to leave and go back to "That" house. This was now home! Peace!

We went right to work, taking load after load to the dump. Moms family came over and helped paint and clean things up. Before we knew it, it was all clean and ready for us to start moving in! I think it took about a month.

Brian came over and started to help us move. Step Father knew we were moving but didn't offer any help. None of the other family offered any help. But when we finished moving in he wanted to know where so he could arrange his schedule and start coming over. Mom told him then, "I'm leaving you and your not welcome to visit."

I finally feel safe! I can sleep at night! I'm still really jumpy if anyone touches me while I'm sleeping.. Which takes me years to get over...even after I marry. I can't describe the peace we are feeling.

Mom cries at night. I go down to talk with her and she tells me shes crying because she's happy and scared at the same time. I don't understand her fears fully and just hug her.

One day, as I'm doing School work (I'm homeschooling myself) the phone rings. It's Step Father and he's demanding I tell him our address so he can come over. I hang up the phone and call Mom! How did he find the number?! If he can find our number he can find our address! I'm so scared again!! I hurry and lock all the doors and go hid in my room. Mom called the phone company and changed our number and unlisted it then calls me back. It will be weeks before I feel safe again, but it does come!

Moms Heart

Driving! Driving is fun and I look old enough to be driving at the age of 14. I learned how to drive so young of out of necessity!

Mom has dealt with heart problems a lot of her life. Every time it would scare me! I would have to drive to the store in the late hours of the night to get her medication (herbs). I would pray that she would still be alive by the time I got back!

One time I drove her to the ER at her request. They hooked her up to monitors and there she was finally diagnosed with an electrical problem and put on medication she still takes to this day.. I think this part of my childhood caused me to grow up really fast! My brother was gone and I was now the oldest at home. I grew up fast in many ways.

Started baby sitting neighbor children and my siblings at 10 years old. I remember one day mom didn't come home and I took care of everyone for 2 days. I was frightened and not sure what happened to Mom but tried to stay calm. Put on a happy face during the day and cried myself to sleep at night. Turns out, Step Father took mom out for their anniversary for an overnight and day trip. I don't know why I wasn't told.

Fasting and Faith!

Life in Kearns is not easy. We are living in the basement of a house. 4 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, no kitchen no living room. To say my mother is inventive would be an understatement. The "L" family is living upstairs. Mom decided to stay downstairs because she was not treated well by her sister wife when she went up to use the kitchen. She moved her fridge down to the storage room. Bought a hotplate, a microwave and a portable dishwasher. She turned part of the storage room into a kitchen/living room. It was small but it was nice to not have the constant bickering and backbiting when we needed to eat together as a family upstairs. I don't understand why the "L" family was so angry at mom when she decided to arrange things like she did.

We lived like that for 3 years. My Older brother joined the Military (Mainly to get away from my step-father) so I got his room and Mom turned the girls room into a family room. I remember the day Mom bought some new couches! I was soo excited to have a couch to sit on to watch TV. Brian came over to help move them into the house. They had to take the bedroom window out to get them into the room.

When Step Father came home and saw them it was an all out fight! (Why, when Mom got anything new was it a fight? Everyone else always got new things. Mom worked hard for what she earned. Her Money was taken and given to the other Mothers that didn't work. We ran around in hand-me-down clothing. Holes in the knees, to small. Why can't anyone be happy for us?)

That week, (I'm 15 years old) I was with my baby sister and brother watching TV. I heard this big crash and then my mother screamed! I jumped up and ran to her bedroom and tried to open the door but it was blocked. Mom was laying on the floor screaming in pain and Step Father was standing over here. I started screaming to let me in! Mom was unable to move and I saw she was hurt and Step Father did it!! I started to step backward with my fists up and yelling at him to get away from my mother! BASTARD! GET AWAY FROM HER! Misty and Jason came running and stood behind me. I just remember shaking and screaming at him to leave her alone! He started walking towards me saying it was a mistake and I just screamed at him to not come near me! He took off and we didn't see him for a few weeks.

During that time, we were also loosing my mothers father to emphysema. I would go over to my aunts house in West Jordan right off of Redwood Road to stay with him and help him with anything he needed. He passed away not long after that incident with Step Father.

We received a phone call from my mothers brother, Kevin. He said he had a dream where Grandpa came to him saying, "Get Judy out of that hell hole". Uncle Kevin had offered for mom to move into his Condo in West Valley as soon as the tenants moved out. He had been trying to remove them for a while but they would not go. Weeks passed and we waited.

This was the first time in my life I had ever fasted for a purpose! We could not live like this anymore! Mom needed help to get out so I started a fast for 3 days. Praying, pleading with Heaven to open a way. Reading scriptures and praying most of the days. On the third day the phone rang. It was Uncle Kevin saying the tenants moved out. It was time to go see the house!
Thank you Father in Heaven!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Trying to be "Pure" again.

I needed a fresh start! A New beginning. I was a new person with a changed life and a new outlook. I talked to mom and she thought it was time I was Re-Baptized.

In our Church we believed in Re-Baptism to make yourself clean once again. A fresh start after turning your life around. So I was re-baptized. 16 years old and still struggling with my Testimony.

I had a Testimony of Joseph Smith, The Book of Mormon, Baptism, Prayer, Temple work, and all the basics of the Gospel... But when it came to other aspects of our church, I tried to get a testimony of them but nothing came. I figure I just wasn't ready for it yet.

I remember being re-baptized and feeling nothing. No warmth, just empty. I had a hard time with it. I knew my Savior wasn't happy with me and therefore didn't accept it. If he accepted it, I would have felt something... anything! I tried to live my life as if I was forgiven of my sins. Maybe it was a test and the confirmation and warmth would come later. I soon let it all pass and just lived the best life I could.

More times then I can count did I expect to "feel" something spiritual and nothing came. I just chalked it up to "you're not ready yet" and moved on. One day I would be forgiven of my sins and be able to join my Father in Heaven in the Celestial Kingdom. I would not be deterred!!


Update 11-9-12

This will probably be a good time to talk a little bit about feelings relating to religion. We were taught to pray and wait for a warmth.. a warm feeling as being an answer to a prayer. It's usually called a "burning of the bosom". I received this burning when others talked about Joseph Smith, Prayed about the Book of Mormon, Polygamy, Temple Work (That I was never able to take part in as a polygamist because they never did it accept in marriage)  One thing we weren't taught is that the bible warns of such feelings. You can get those same kinds of feelings when your given a gift, or excited about something. Those feelings are something that is not consistent and are different for each individual at different stages in life. How can we trust something so inconsistent when it comes to spiritual answers and eternal salvation?

You can't always trust your feelings, because feelings have nothing to do with the facts of God's Word. Feelings come, feelings go. And feelings can fool you. Trust the facts, not your feelings.

Jeremiah 17:9 - The heart is deceitful above all things and is exceedingly corrupt. Who can know it?

Proverbs 14:12  There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.

Have to Lift the Weight!

I decided it was time I tell Brian I'm not who he thinks I am. I'm 16 and I have to know if he will accept me for who I am. I've changed and turned my life around. Will he still accept me, knowing I'm not "pure"?

We were on the way to someones house to help them move something. It's kind of vague because my mind was on other things. How do I say it? How do I deal with this if he wants nothing to do with someone who's not "pure"? I figure it's best to just get through with it and move on if I must!

We pull up to the house and I say, "I have something to tell you, Brian. It may hurt you but I have to tell you." I have his full attention. *deep breath* The tears start to flow! I'm frightened! I can't get the words to come out. He pries a little and I say them, looking into his eyes. "I'm not a virgin."

He was amazingly calm. His next reply took me back. He said "I know." His next reply took me even more by surprise! He said something about how he had a voice come to his mind telling him that's what I was going to say, and that It was not my fault. In my mind I was shocked and didn't believe what I was hearing. How did he know? Why did he not think it wasn't my fault? Who told him? How much did he know? I felt totally exposed and uncomfortable!

It wasn't till later when we got back into the car to go home did we talk about it exactly. My biggest fears about our relationship had been lifted off my shoulders. He learned a little bit about my childhood and my choices as I got older and still wanted to continue our relationship! I was preparing for the worst and received the best! Our friendship and relationship hit another level of trust and love!

The Start of a beautiful relationship.

Church is wonderful! Friends are great! Family... well not everything can be good.

Love the messages I'm learning at church but the main reason I'm going is to see the man I know I'm suppose to marry. I love his jokes and his laugh. The way he cares for me and cares about me. He drove from Herriman all the way to Kearns every Sunday to pick me up for Sunday school then to Church. I loved the long car rides we had. The time to talk and get to know each other more. Brian took me out to eat every Sunday. I was very underweight and felt I never got enough to eat at home. But I never said anything to him about it because I didn't know anything different.

Keep in mind, I'm now 14. He's 22. We didn't "date" yet but did go out on "Group Dates". My Step Father told Brian to promise him that he would not kiss me till I was 16. Brian took me to the circus, the fair, Lagoon, Afterglow concerts, Plays his best friend was in and many trips to Temple Square in Down town SLC. I was in heaven. We didn't do much as children so this was a new life with new fun things to discover! Brian truly opened up a new world for me.

One day, I was jumping in and out of my bedroom window, filling my water bed. Brian was in the room with me. I jumped in and smacked my knee on the window seal. It hurt so bad I could not stop crying! Brian was being such a wonderful gentleman. Consoling me then He said out of the blue! "I Love you!" I was totally taken back and my knee stopped hurting! I said "I love you too!" He then started saying things like "Why did I say that? I need to go." and was gone!! I was on cloud nine!!

I remember, it was Valentines Day. I'm a month and a half from my 15th Birthday. Brian picks me up to take me out on a "Group date" to see Afterglow, Love notes. He has balloons, flowers and black hills gold necklace waiting for me after the concert. I felt so overwhelmed! I grabbed him and kissed him on the cheek, remembering his promise to my Step-father. Then looked into his eyes and kissed him on his lips. He didn't kiss me back and I understood why.

The next day was the Valentines Day Dance down at "The Building" (The church house we attended) Brian picked me up and we drove to his house in Herriman. There, he got ready for the dance and we got a bite to eat. It was that day, that we kissed for the first time!

It was a wonderful time on our lives! I was glad we broke that promise Brian made to my step-father and even more glad later on!

Brian picked me up for another Dance where you dressed up in 60's clothing. (I'm now 16 years old) Brian stopped off at one of the other Mothers homes to talk to Step-father. I sat in the car as they talked. Brian got into the car and told me he was concerned about something step-father told him. Step Father said that Brian was to good for me and I didn't deserve him. Brian then counters with "I'll be the judge of that." He then got into the car and went on telling me how I needed to treat step-father better and treat him like the "Patriarch" He is. My next comment was "Then he needs to ACT like one"

That drive to the dance, Brian received an earful! He now understood why I had such a cold relationship with my step-father and why I've said some of the things I said about him. Tears flowed as I brought Brian into our dark family life. I prayed It would not scare him away. He still knows nothing of my personal dark past.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Trip!

Montana!! The Youth Choir is going to Montana to perform up at a dance in Pinesdale. Will mom let me go? How will I get there? Where will I stay? To say I was excited was an understatement. I'm now 14 years old and have never been out of the state of Utah. Now, we are going to go 2 states away.

One of the 2 guys from choir offered to take me with them to Montana. Mother approved. There would be Brian, John (Brian's Best friend) Brian's sister, Mary and Brian's brother, Jeremy and myself. We headed up to Montana. Brian came by very early in the morning to pick me up. I remember heading out and watching the sun rise over the mountains. It was a beautiful sight! Montana was wonderful!! The dance was great. The choir performance was unforgettable!

The night of the dance I went over to the place Brian was staying with a bunch of the youth. We played dice and card games till It got late. I layed down and closed my eyes for a moment. Brian said "Good night, Andrea" I was facing the back of the couch and started to sob. No one had ever said those words to me before. I can't describe how I felt. I just sobbed.

On the trip home I would put my head on the shoulder of who ever was not driving. I guess I must have treated them like a teddy bear because I fell asleep and wrapped my arms around who ever my head was on. Both of the guys thought it was cute and they joked about who was going to date me first. (I looked old for my age. They thought I was at least 18 years old.)5'8" 125 Lbs.

On that Trip home, I remember the words come into my mind that said "You will marry one of these men." It took me by surprise but then I started to take those words seriously. I looked at John and thought No.. but when I looked at Brian, a warmth entered into my chest! I knew it was him!

A few weeks later, after the Montana trip and many phone calls with Brian, my birthday came up in a conversation. I didn't want to tell him. I waited till we were at another church function then told him. April 1st. I could see the look in his eyes and wheels turning. He saw the look in my eyes and "Ohh no.. I've heard them all!" He never played an April Fools joke on me.... till much later. I then told him my age and he flipped out! He was 22 years old! I was 14!

Not long after that, He received an offer to work in California and went. He ran away from me, but it was too late. We were both in love. I, being a bit forward, tracked him down in California and called him. Bugged his sister to no end and pushed my way back into his life. I had a revelation, at a young age, about who I was to marry, and I was not going to let him go!!

A Change of Direction

I'm living life, going through the motions, trying to stay low and not draw attention to myself. I don't want anyone to look at me. The disgust in their eyes. The shame I felt. The anger welling up inside me. Get up, go to school, come home, try to sleep.

My life is taking a turn. "D" has decided he needs a change and brakes off our relationship then starts dating someone else. The only person in my life that ever showed me any kind of care is not here anymore! I can't help buy cry during every class. I start falling into a deep depression. Again, dealing with thoughts of suicide. Wanting it all to stop!

After a while "D" asked me to come back to him and I do. I don't know anything different. I put up with the abuse and called it "teasing". The constant touching in places and comments of a sexual nature were all our relationship was.

I don't go to church anymore because I don't fit in. "They" go to church! "They" should be kicked out and forced to repent.. but "They" don't. I don't want to be anywhere "They" are. One day Mother practically forced me to go to church. They announce something about a Youth Choir before church started! I whisper in my mothers ear about wanting to join and she agreed. Singing was the one thing that brought me joy when I was young. The sound of voices was soothing to me! The moment we got home I started to get cold feet and told Mom "I'm not going! I change my mind!" I'm so glad she didn't take no for an answer. She again drug me to the car and drove me to choir.

There were so many wonderful, uplifting people and smiles there. We had choir practice and afterwords we played volleyball and jumped on the Trampoline. One time afterwords, we had a water fight. It was the most fun I had ever had in my entire life. For the first time I was care free and happy!! I looked forward to church every week and choir afterwords. Seeing all the faces of my "Friends" was wonderful.

There were these 2 guys there that I started to hang around with. They talked to me about life, fun times, what I liked and what they liked. They didn't touch me or talk to me inappropriately. They treated me like a woman, with respect! For the first time in my life, my eyes were opening up about how I should be treated.

As time passed I started to notice the way most people from church treated me and others around them. It was refreshing. I realized I needed to let my old life go. I broke off the relationship with "D". Never again got involved with him. Started attending church meetings and all the functions I could go to. It was like I was starving and couldn't get enough. Life was good.. Good for the first time in my life.

Monday, May 17, 2010

"Elephant in the Room"

This is My life the next 2 years.

"Elephant in the Room"
There's an elephant in the room
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, "How are you?" and "I'm fine."
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else-except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk.
It is constantly on our minds.
For you see, it is a very big elephant.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say her name again.
Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her pain
Perhaps we can talk about her Joy

Can I say her name and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, you are leaving me
In a room...
With an elephant.

Truth Revealed! Or was it?

I'm now in deeper then I realize. I don't care what happens to me or my life. My Boyfriend treats me like an object and is disrespecting me, as a woman. Didn't know it at the time. All I knew was someone is showing me some kind of care. Sleeping at his house, living off of sleeping pills and caffeine. Going through the motions of life and staying low and out of everyone else's way.

One day, I'm looking out the window at "D" house. He's out in the backyard kicking his soccer ball and accidentally kicks it into our yard. There is snow on the ground. I figure I would go out and hand him the ball back. On my way back into the house I'm met by my Step Father. He grabs me by my hair and yanks me into the house then throws me up against the stairs. My Mother NEVER hit us. The 2 times I remember she did, I deserved it. One swift swat on the backside for hurting one of my siblings. My Step-Father, on the other hand, regularly beat my older Brother and younger brother. We didn't find out till later in our life. My Step-Father then yells at me and tells me to never talk to "that boy" ever again. I ran into my room and hid under my bed for the next hour, till my mother came home. My Step-Father came into my room many times looking for me but didn't see me. When mom came home she was frantic wondering where I was. She came in a few times with him, so I didn't say anything. She then came in without him and started to cry. I then very softly said, "I'm here Mom". Came out from under the bed and told her what had happened. She became very angry. The next thing I knew she drove off with him in the car and came back without him. We didn't see him again for another week. My relationship with my step-father was never the same. Not that we ever had a relationship.

Not long after that, I became more brazen and stayed over at "D"s house later and later. One day Mom awoke early to me not in my bed. Phone calls were made to all the neighbors, including "D"s house. His Parents were out of town. I remember looking out the back window seeing all the lights on and then his phone ringing. My stomach fell into my feet. At first "D" lied to them because I begged him to. He then made up a story of seeing me walking passed his house then called him back. Step father and mom then drove to the house to pick me up. I was so grateful that mom was with him.

Later during the day, Mom pulled me aside to talk to me about "things that can happen" and how I need to be careful. I said "It's already too late" I have never seen my mother so angry! She slowly said "Who! Who was it!?" I told her. She then asked, "When?" When I told her when she stormed out of the house. She drove to "I"s house. Knocked on the door. Asked for "G". As soon as "G" came to the door she asked him to step out as she closed the door then slammed him up against the house and threatened his life. She then asked him and he admitted to everything. He thought she knew because his father said he would "Take care of it".

She forced him into the car and brought him over to our house. Mom then asked me to get into the car where "G" said  "I thought you were asleep and didn't know what was happening." I refused to say much to him. What did he mean, I thought you were asleep??  I thought you were asleep???!! I wanted to hit him till he turned black and blue. Make him hurt as much as he hurt me all those years! But I did nothing but sit there. I don't remember if I said anything.

Mom then took him home and I went to my room and cried for hours! I was so angry at my Mother, My step father, "I", "G", "T".... Everyone who had any part of taking my childhood from me!

I never felt like justice was done. Any time I brought it up and wanted to talk about things, to heal, I was told to "Get over it", "Move on", "Grow up", Let it go!" Then the rumors started. I was someone that "liked to tell stories for attention. Don't listen to her she lies to give others a bad name." "I"s family started spreading those rumors to discredit me and hide what their son and brothers did. I never did tell anyone what happened to me unless I was asked. It was not something I liked to share.

The thoughts of suicide came back into my life. I wanted the pain to go away. Make it stop forever. I again, started to pop sleeping pills and down Mountain Dew to function. I wanted out!


Update 11-6-12
It's amazing how things got covered up in that family. In an attempt to cover it all up Blaine Bowles and his wife lied to everyone. Only within the last 2 weeks I found out that Gary's then wife was not told the truth. She was lead to believe that I was making up stories. My heart goes out to her having to live with that man and his past. My heart also goes out to him and all the anguish he must have been living with and still continues to this day living with, covering this up. I'm no longer angry. I do pitty all of them that continue to live a lie, fearing every day any questions that may arise from their own and brothers past. My heart also goes out to his current wife and children. Please protect your daughters and anyone else that may come in contact with this man.

God has taken all the hate, vengeance and fear this family caused. I no longer fear seeing them in the store or the street. They have more to fear from me then I do them but don't want anyone to fear me. May God have mercy on them. 

Decisions Made.

12 Years old. Thoughts of ending my life. The fighting at home. The ugly spirit in that house. The gossip, backbiting, lying. One can't take much more. There were nights I would lay awake in bed and listen to something walking across the floor upstairs. You could hear and track the footsteps. The "L" Family lived upstairs, but on many occasions, they were out of town....and I could still hear "something" walking around upstairs. On one occasion I went upstairs to see who was up there, because we weren't allowed upstairs when they were gone. I heard someone in the kitchen at the sink. I flipped on the light and no one was there. It still sends chills up and down my body to this day.

We lived in a bad part of town. One I would not feel comfortable walking at night now... But back then, I felt more safe walking the streets at night then I did in my own bed! I would frequently crawl out my bedroom window and stay out till 4 or 5 in the morning before coming home. My mother had no idea.

I met a young boy who lived behind our house. We will call him "D". We would go over to a neighbors house and play in their backyard. He talked with me, wanted to know me. My likes and dislikes. Eventually, we started to grow closer. He wanted to know if I wanted to go steady with him. It was wonderful to feel someone care about me, in any way! We were together for about 2 months before I shared with him my deepest secret. I don't know what happened to him after that, but he started asking me questions about my experiences. Eventually, I gave in to some of his requests.

Instead of walking the streets at night, I would go over to his home and stay with him in his room. I would crawl through his basement window. I felt so safe. 4:00 would roll around and I would crawl out, jump the fence and back into my bedroom window. This went on for months. I had been taught about the Holy Ghost and Angels watching over us and I knew, what I was doing, my angels would not follow me. I didn't care. I knew my Angels didn't care either. If a parent didn't care about what their child was suffering through, why would my angels care? I had finally started to feel safe for the first time in my life. I was 13 years old about to turn 14. Then, things started to change.


Update 11-6-12
The Evil we all fought through under that roof. It was pure evil. My Angels did keep me safe through all of this. Something worse could have happened. Praise my God for the protection he granted me through all of this. I was undeserving. 

I must not be worth it.

I didn't tell anyone. I was told not to tell anyone. It would be handled. So I waited. I believed my Step-father would tell my mother. In my mind my mother knew. In my mind the other mothers knew. In my mind EVERYONE in the family knew! No one talked about "it". No one spoke to me of "it". No one cared. It wasn't long after this that we moved back into "That" house! The house that robbed me of my childhood. I dreaded every moment of it! I DID NOT WANT TO MOVE BACK!!! Not only did I not voice my opinions but I tried to put on a happy face. After all, no one cared about me or my opinions. Thankfully, the boys that robbed me, moved out with their mother.

I had been taught in school to respect myself and my body. To not allow anyone to touch me in places that made me feel uncomfortable. I was almost numb to the whole "uncomfortable" thing. I had things awoken within me at a very young age. Things that should have stayed sleeping till much older. The feelings of guilt that came with those feelings were more then I could bear some days. Many nights I cried into my pillow and contemplated taking my life. No one would care! I knew I would not be missed!!

Sleeping pills became my friend as well as caffeine. I tried to sleep some nights but couldn't because of my thoughts. I would take one pill, then take another. It would be so easy to swallow the whole package and sleep, forever sleep. Make the hurting go away!


Update 11-6-12
Praise God! He's removed all of this from my life.